


Fracturing

by privateuytrewiuytrew124



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Brett is understanding and kind, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I miss Shay, Kelly dealing with his feelings, Their relationship never got developed and I'm sad about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:54:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26943262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/privateuytrewiuytrew124/pseuds/privateuytrewiuytrew124
Summary: She was amazing. He thinks hollowly. And I don’t know how to do any of this without her. But he just says. “I have some paperwork to catch up on, I’ll see you later.”
Relationships: Kelly Severide & Leslie Shay, Sylvie Brett & Kelly Severide
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	Fracturing

The first thing that draws Kelly to her is her hair. Blond. The same length, even if it is a different style. It’s missing Shay’s warm, honey-gold tone, but with the paramedic uniform, with the jump bag and the radio and the damn ambulance, the similarity is so stark that he can barely look at her head-on. He says something about it one night, he thinks. Too many drinks and too few clear memories leave him unsure, but the way she watches him during those next shifts leaves him pretty certain.

He finds her staring at Shay’s photo once, the official one that hangs on the wall outside of the common room. On good days when he thinks about how much Shay had hated that photo he thinks of how she’d complained endlessly when she’d seen it and how they’d laughed about her stiff smile until their sides had hurt. On bad days the thought makes him want to rip the fucking thing out of the wall. That photo doesn’t show who Shay was. Doesn’t show the sharp edge of her smile or the clever light in her eyes. He goes to turn away from it, but her voice stops him.

“What was she like?” Brett asks, and it’s such a harsh reminder that Shay will never meet anyone again that he almost keeps walking. Instead he tilts his head in her direction, bounces his gaze off of her. His eyes end up glued on that photo.

It’s a bad day.

“She was funny. Totally badass too. And she had the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met.” He’s surprised that he answered, as surface level as his answer is --but he can’t bring himself to talk about Shay’s terrible taste in women, or the way her eyes would go wide when she laughed. How smoothies always tasted better when she made them, no matter how many times she explained her method to him. His brain skips over those things, recoiling from the raw pain those memories hold now. He’s terrified of the day the thought of her doesn’t tear at him, but he’s also desperate for it. Desperate for the pain to stop, even for a moment.

“She sounds amazing.” It’s a simple thing to say, but something about the earnesty in Brett’s voice makes Kelly’s throat go tight. He nods jerkily, hoping she doesn’t notice the look on his face as he tears his gaze away from the photo.

He can’t stand to look into Shay’s eyes for one more second.

 _She was amazing._ He thinks hollowly. _And I don’t know how to do any of this without her._ But he just says. “I have some paperwork to catch up on, I’ll see you later.”

He turns away, but she wraps her hand around his arm. Her fingers are burning hot, or maybe he’s just cold. He hasn’t felt warm for weeks. The thermostat in his apartment is almost unbearably high --Casey had given him a strange look when he’d come over to help Kelly with some boxes and found the apartment at nearly 80 degrees in august-- but the place feels icy with just him there.

“I’m sorry,” She says when he looks at her. It had taken weeks for him to be able to look at Brett head-on. Weeks before the sight of her didn’t leave his chest aching and his lips twisting into a smile meant for someone who wasn’t there. “I don’t think I’ve said it before, because I wasn’t really sure how --I’m still not really sure how-” She takes a breath, seemingly realizing that she’d begun to ramble. “I know I can never replace her, and I don’t want to, but if there’s anything I can ever do, please let me know.”

Kelly nods. He doesn’t trust himself to speak, not with Brett and Shay both staring at him so intently, but he puts his hand over the one on his arm and squeezes it gratefully before turning away. She gives a small, understanding smile. He doesn't deserve her kindness, would usually push away the pity and soft, down-turned lips with a vengeance --he'd gotten very good at lashing out at those who care about him. But he can't muster up the energy. Can't bring himself to tell her that he's fine. Because he's not. And she's not Shay --could never be Shay-- but just for a moment, in the dark hallway, the weight of Shay's memory is enough to still his tongue.


End file.
